I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
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There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
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Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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