Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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