2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
