I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
