Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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