Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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