My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
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