It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
