Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
