My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
