Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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