Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
