he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
