There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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