Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
