you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
