Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
if only i could text you this smell
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
