yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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