Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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