my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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