Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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