Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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