Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
