We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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