I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just want to make out with him forever
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
