I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
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Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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