but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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