There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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