Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Never underestimate the power of titties
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
