I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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