awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
