You just made me feel so damn special
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
