You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
