I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
