Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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