at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
