can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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