Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
