you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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