I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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