guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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