Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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