I molested 6 butterflies tonight
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
