omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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