Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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