Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
