my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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