My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
