I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Dicks are not precious.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
