my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
