R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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