when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
