hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
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There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
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the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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