I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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