Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
