woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
