We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
