her vagine was all disorganized.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
